Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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