Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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