i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
