oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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