omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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