I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
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she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
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I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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