3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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