My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
