I haven't been this sober since birth.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
