My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
