you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
