I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i dont even know how to be here
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
