I just saw a hot homeless man
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
