she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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