I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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