my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
