Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She bit a glass in half.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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