You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
