No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
