3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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