This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
