i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
