I'm so fucking centered right now
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
