Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
