wrigley field is MILF paradise
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
