THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
