At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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