I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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