Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
