They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
