our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
