Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
