FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
