I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
