I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
