OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
