found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
