She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize