I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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