Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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