Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
