I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
