everyone is single if you try hard enough
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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