Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
found the other keg... it's in the tree
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
