something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My penis needs a shock collar
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
