haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
