I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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