I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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