Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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