he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
