My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
