He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
