My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
