Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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