I just saw a hot homeless man
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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