If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he was CRYING into my vagina
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
