does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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